Bane
Years ago, there was a German movie, quite interesting, about an experiment in human behavior and prisons, going horribly wrong. That same movie would later be remade, as usual, I never watched it, But for some reason, this movie reminded me of the former; a group of people held captive and another group keeping an eye on them, for torture or science. The experiment is an amazing movie, this one, not so much, actually far from amazing since the acting is so bad, an the premise goes from “ mmhm interesting I wasn’t to know what is really going in here” to “you gotta be kidding me!” and a subsequent denial to keep watching. Even if there might only be 5 minutes left.
WHAT I HEARD
A group of women is captured and imprisoned in this laboratories/hospital and one by one tortured and later killed, they get to know the very moment in which they would be slaughtered or something, plus the inability to act against this very issue and not generate hostility towards each other. The entire situation quite a joke, that could only be credible at this point if you also believe in imaginary friends and good politicians.
**
Shiver
Is a Spanish movie, and as with Japanese and Korean. Unless you’re fluent, well, you’ll have to read subtitles; on the other hand, I’m fluent in Spanish (I really am), so in case you are, here is the rundown.
For the most part I love Spanish movies (Spanish as in FROM SPAIN you dumbfucks), specially horror/suspense ones, they have a combination of the european/asian “we don’t give a fuck we won’t sugarcoat anything” yet especially as of late, they do their movies with a more accessible, dynamic pace, also they play more with their plots, so if it’s a demon, it’s not just a “well, god is sad because a demon is lurking we should pray” lazy ass demon, it’s some pagan brutal demon with no kind of mercy or desire to make you sin, oh no, he/she/it just wants to ravage your human body and harm everything around you. With that said, well, Shiver is a good movie, a 5 stars one, you should watch it, “is it like Rec you ask?” well it is not, that is like asking if all american movies are like Rambo, there are different movies, mind you.
WHAT I HEARD: this one is about a kid with a rare skin condition that moves with his mom to a town where he could live a more normal life, but shit goes down, and when it does it goes hard, like “Thai food diarrhea hard, it’s bad and painful but you loved every second of it and will do it again, so you endure”, kind of hard. Starting a little bit slow, it builds up and even though it won’t make you sit on the edge of your seat, will definitely keep you interested more than enough to put your activities to a halt. Pay more attention and regret smoking that fat bowl because now you’re getting all paranoid and sweaty.
Now, in case you’re not fluent in Spanish, well you should still watch it, it won’t hurt you, maybe reading subtitles will make you feel weird, especially if you’re not used to subtitles, yeah those words flying across the screen on the bottom, those are subtitles.
*****
Blood Monkey
uugh, movie is still playing as I type this, mainly because I’m waiting on some stuff to dry and reorganizing my desk a little. For the must part it kind of blows.
Apparently this is a mix of king kong and predator, and no, there are no redeeming qualities within this piece of visual representation of acid fart.
What I heard: a whole lot of nonsensical zoologist bullcrap and really bad acting, worse than my writing and more shame inducing than my punctuation, when some sort of zoologist sends hordes of experienced hunters and scientists to trap this unknown type of ape, just to get mauled by the noble beast who otherwise would just be minding it’s own business. More dumb teenagers and field experts were sent just to be kidnapped and forced into the crazy zoologist expedition. Shit this is not even entertainingly bad, poke it with a cattle rod if appears near you. I’m turning this off.
(nothing)
Beverly Hills Vamp
In different circumstances, this could have been a unbearable experience, but, since I only had to listen to, It was more like a light chatter in the back of my head, if that chatter was being held by social awkward penguin university for the histrionically challenged chess club that is, since the dialogue and acting are really not just bad, but awkwardly bad and forced, with a hint of self awareness and a poor try at comedy, making this whole ordeal decent enough to give it a listen but oh beware, do not peek at the screen and do not try to follow the plot, otherwise, you will shit prickly pears.
What I heard, 3 weird dudes, from out of town, probably from the Midwest, arrive to L.A. to fulfill their mission of making a movie from a script they wrote, or one wrote and the other 2 just tagged along, undecided, but since they are in town and they are new to the city, the decided to pay a visit to the local brothel, although the over willing girls had a different plan for them, one of the guys, the dorkiest one too, decides to bail and be faithful to his girlfriend and drags his ass out of the brothel without the other two members, thinking they are just having some recreational dip and thrust in exchange of money.
The next day, when he can’t find his friends, he comes back to an empty house and no trace of the girls or the friends and after a couple of calls he recruits their contact in L.A. for a vampire hunting trip to the brothel at night and rescue them.
Campy, cheesy and plain stupid, yet I don’t know if the 80’s coke rage was behind this entire production making it at least worth a listen, give it a go with a friend or partner and get some need inside jokes.
**
METAL, a Headbanger’s Journey
According to that thing on the right, this post is the 50th post, and I felt a little weird inside, probably because of my dinner not sitting well, so I was already coming up with reasons to avoid posting tonight but I’m a big boy and I have a responsibility with myself, since I know nobody reads this thing.
For this Special occasion, I got a dvd instead of the normal streaming and this is not even from netflix, it’s from a store!!! anyways, even though I would not call myself a “metal head” or a “headbanger”, I do love many metal bands and loud noisy music and this documentary cathce my eye instead of that other one with the pornstars ( I know!), because this is supposed to be made from an athropological perspective rather that just cram a bunch of dudes talking about the bands they like and who is a better guitar player. I do feel the piece lack a lot of insight and just dips the toes into a vast genre but at the same time unifies and provides a solid approach to the innocent bystander.
What I Heard:
Some dude name Sam, from Canada, a metalhead and an anthropologist decides to bring the two topics together, probably tired of being called immature and to cut his hair, get a job and turn the volume down, and provide an insiders view of metal and why people like it, and why people that like it do it for the rest of their lives to the point of becoming an always present fact about them. Structured in a simple way, it starts giving some back story to the roots of metal and it’s first proponents, the link to classical music and blues, the connection to other (usually considered unrelated by the un-educated) genres and fashion. there are many interviews, with bands, fans, labels and crew members and even sociologist, all trying to explain the “why’s” behind a genre that spawned many sub-genres, crossovers and unifies people from all around the globe under it’s veil. the narration is concise and with flow, but some interviews felt very forced but overall is an interesting film. I tried very hard to not keep peeking at the screen but the friendly flow kept making me. I say watch this goddamn this, with some friends, especially if they are metal heads, and argue and make fun of them and let them make fun of you.
Also, let me just list a couple of details i noticed.
Lemmy is still god, Dio hates gene simmons, this last generation of numetal fans looks even worse than the ones from my generation, those Norwegian black metal dudes are still either batshit crazy, Dio really hates gene simmons, I do support the idea of black sabbath being the first metal band, Dee Snyder seems like a legit dude, Wacken is just too fucking big to even enjoy the bands now, and Dio hates Gene Simmons
***** (and horns)
Bachelor party at bungalow of the damned
If the world was to end in a week, and you had to pick which movies to watch in the waiting period while the rest of the assholes riot and loot stores for TV and video games, (nothing can stop an apocalypse from happening better than a mob looting for unnecessary goods), this movie certainly won’t be selected by anybody, well, maybe a crew members to help him cope with the fact that this probably proves why humans need to be wiped out, and the director probably basking in is own vomit, maybe a couple of frat boys thinking this might be porn, and they are right in a figuratively speak, this is pornographic.
Another god help us poor quality “I can’t believe somebody thought they could even distribute this”, no wonder why no Ed Woods now is a cult hero, at his worst his movies still have more charm than any of the visual noise this people release as entertainment.
What I heard and Still gives me nightmares:
Some dude plans a trip to a “bungalow” which is not, this is just a vacation home, but whatever, I’m not here to discuss lexicon. All these bro’s are here to get hammered and bang some bitches, but some bitches are witches and monsters and shit happens and I dunno if it was the cheap hooch or the cheap script, but most of them died, as well as their acting careers, If they ever existed, leaving us with this sexless, boobless, “special” porn movie, there are a couple things that can be rescued here, maybe a couple of dollars could be made by recycling every physical copy in existence, someone’s dignity, I don’t know. This piece is garbage and should not be even tried while high, it would only harsh your mellow and make your stoner friends feel uncomfortable.
(fuck this movie)
The Baby’s Room (Films To Keep You Awake)
oh boy, another one of them stuck up foreign movies, with their foreign language and their strange culture, trying to contaminate our god fearing country with their filth and liberal agenda. This piece is part of a movie set, of which only this and another movie about the horrors of apartment renting are available on streaming. Which is good, since this filth is the type of movie that puts our beloved movie industry in shame, but fear not, since I’m sure somebody is already planning to re-making it suitable for our higher morals and lower iq’s.
what I heard:
a lot of blabbering in one of those probably catholic languages with their guilt trips and loose booze restrictions, so I had to read all the stupid subtitles, making sure nothing bad was being said and with PTO number on speed dial ready I started to go about my business.
A small family of probably socio democrats and using a lot of taxpayer’s money, bought this obviously out of their league house, bringing the home values down for the rest of the neighbors, the father seems loving but probably an atheist, the mother stays were she should, with her kid and in the kitchen, and the baby is still a stupid baby.
Alright, enough, this movie is quite a good surprise, the story is awesome and balls to the wall, the development although a little bit slow, very consistent and unnerving, as the true badass I am I don’t get scared by anything, but my wife does and she found the movie very very scary, so just to humor her we made a fort in the living room and took turns at being awake. The director is known because of some of his previous movies have achieved cult status, in the good way, like Dia de la bestia y accion mutante, and this movie won’t disappoint.
A small family buys house, starts remodeling it. They put baby in THE BABY’S ROOM and to keep track of him while the attempt to have some alone time they place monitors, the monitors make weird noises and the husband takes it up to him to unravel the mystery. Usually I’ll go beyond this and spoil the goddamn movie just for the fun of it, because I’m an asshole, but this movie is pretty fucking good, better than that paranormal activity crap that everybody was creaming over some months ago, and it also takes this whole thing to a different level, whithout involving religions or deities, the plot is tight and very well developed and for the most part the characters reactions are very rational and logical.
WATCH THIS AND WEEP
*****
SPOILER:
Yeah for the first time I’m actually telling you ahead of time instead of after, don’t get used to it. The movie takes the haunted house topic to a different realm by adding quantum physics instead of some supernatural being, a “what if” situation that somehow escapes their own realm and gets mixed within the present reality, even though the ending is a little bit weak in terms of visuals it’s still very fulfilling.
Audrey Rose
There is nothing I love more that a misleading categorization, there is nothing scary, I mean it, this is a thriller at best, kind of supernatural, but a thriller and nothing more, maybe some sort of preaching religious propaganda about reincarnation but there is nothing about it that is scary, unless of course if you happen to be in this same situation, but it’s very unlikely, since we are all fucking godless heathens, if you’re not, well, good for you.
WHAT I HEARD:
Whiny girl whimpers and acts up, all while asleep, if she’s awake she still whines but normally, it’s the sleeping craze that puts parents on edge, they call doctors, therapists and Geraldo, who never came, to help her, but SOLOS, nothing will stop that brat from the ruining sexy time and late night movies, until Hannibal Lecter shows up, probably before discovering the pleasures of the flesh, claiming that she is his dead daughter, reincarnated with a soul issue and low self esteem, this doesn’t sits well with the parents, since they have spend t a lot of money in toys and dresses to make up for the girl’s abandonment issues and low self esteem, so they decided to lash out against the crazy mr. Hopkins and his hippie ideas, only to witness him calming the damn brat calling her out and shit like he is the dad., well at least the mother is convinced now, before all the involved go on to write a self help book and a memoir about this and have a sit down with Oprah, they take the whole damn thing to court, making the movie lose another star in my rating, since I don’t do well with legal dramas. Now we have an issue, the legal system trial on a matter pretty obvious by default, but involving moral and religious issues, well fuck that I say the separation of state and church should be total and definitive, and the problem is not the movie but how plausible this can be of happening in real life, even with a westboro baptist joke protest and fox news coverage. NOW THAT’S SCARY.
It is a decent background noise, easy to ignore if shit gets busy.
**
B.T.K.
damn this was not my night, this movie blows, HARD. Not as bad as “wake up the dead” or whatever the name of that shite was, but still bad, yet it kinda still leads you into the lame ending, so i guess let’s give it some respect for that, i just kept thinking how fucking stupid can this get, the acting, damn, the wife and her wig (I hope it was a wig), the daughters might as well give up…i dunno, probably everything because they are less likeable than a hamburger and beets smoothie.
The main actor has these huge scars, like burn scars, I don’t know if this is make-up or not, not the point, but some scenes kinda made a huge deal about this, and a part of me kept me listening in hopes of an explanation to said scars. never happened. maybe they were scars of his past struggle with “lyfe”.
ok let’s get this over with. PLOT: american psycho III, the white, suburban, christian, asshole edition. The main character is some sort of rent-a-cop/parking enforcer, goes around being a fascist dick to everyone, and killing some girls on the side when just being an asshole was not enough. he’s butthurt about some hooker taking his moneys without doin’ the deed and pissed because his wife won’t have some kinky sex with him and she couldn’t give him boys instead of girls. the whole thing goes into this insightful driven plot which is as deep as the country’s debt and stupid as the people as the people behind the debt. at the end he goes back to hunt the hooker that made him snap just to find out she was married to some poor bastard and he kills him but let’s her live, just to be able to go back to his family and profess his love to them before telling the popo about his crimes aaaaaaaand then he wakes up, how fucking original.
the whole thing is messy but still better that the garbage that netflix pushes in general, don’t listen to this unless you think lady gaga is groundbreaking and ICP is real hip hop, if so, please send me your email, i would like to discuss something with you.
**
Arachnid
Another syfy production, with a mediocre at best cast, basically follows the old Alien plot, but with centipedes and a huge stop motion capture spider (that part was almost cool), not entertaining, but not bothersome. Still better than april fools but not for much, very safe for TV and very bad dialogue, a dragging pace and acting that would make you think of a very bad day at the office/job/school.
PLOT?
They didn’t really seem to care about this one, it’s very trite and simple, a marine gets lost in the jungle and they send a team to search and recover him, shit happens, a huge spider appears, there is a metric shit ton of cobwebs and a lot of huge bugs, so if bugs are your thing, well you’ll think this is pretty bad and you should take it with a grain of salt.
**
Award Winners Of The 2005 Hollywood Scarefest
Sweet zombie jeebus, if this are the winners and don’t even want to acknowledge the dregs from the pool of this pukefest. Yeah, because you could argue, well this are independent amateur movies and they are good because it’s just a beginning, but the truth to be said is, it doesn’t matters, evil dead also, was an independent amateur film, and became not just a cult classic, but a staple in American horror of the last decades, there are many examples of good quality films that make up for their weaknesses with better quality in other areas that they took care of. With that said, there were many shorts in this, some, sigh, better than others but for the most part equally constipated, the most memorable one, probably because of the hot topic outfits was this one about some dude that supposedly was a ninja, wearing some sort of corset and goggles, with his pale skin and scrawny complexion, shit was hilarious, he had a code name, something white fang or something like that, and had to supposedly rescue his gf from the shogun of darkness and his evil forces, this was like the power rangers and a juggalo wet dream.
I have little recollection to about the rest, just plain bad acting, bad effects and bad stories, BUT I guess that if the point is to just keep something making some sort of noise and not really pay attention to this, you could give it a try, say you are high, drunk, depressed, suicidal and have no judgment to know better.
(damn)
The Asylum ‘97 & The Asylum 2000’s (also; mentioned but not available The Asylum ‘72)
Ok so, somehow netflix got two movies with the same goddamn name, mixed, nothing wrong, just that I’m a lazy bastard and I feel it could be cool to do this a double feature, kill two birds with one rock you may say, but that is just plain wrong and a dick move, unless it’s a goose, those beasts are mean and probably the assholes of the winged animal society, many times I’ve been threatened by their weird goose noise and beady eye and they leave an incredible amount of shit everywhere, damn. Anyways, thing being there also had 2 other movies mixed here, so one is not available, the other has the name, the synopsis and description of the former, but IT’S NOT IT and even though apparently netflix tried to fix this twice (movie was pulled out of streaming) it’s still an epic fail, the last one it’s just a poor excuse for a visual exercise in post taco bell diarrhea.
Asylum ‘72
This is not the film the netflix streaming is telling you it is, this a different one, the name might be the same but it has Robert Patrick in it and it’s not the Asylum with Peter Cushing and some crazy body parts. If you can actually find this asylum it’s totally worth a watch.
*****
Asylum ‘97
From what I heard, this one had a T9000 trying to find sarah connor, this one is even better than the one in T2, since instead of just trying to get into the hospital fucking shit up left and right, he gets himself locked in and treated like a patient, added a moustache to his human disguise (a molestache, actually) and plays dumb for 2 hours, until he gets himself in a very bad position and the main doctor is tired of his shenanigans, so he straps him to a chair and tries to do something bad to him, that apparently he has been doing to a lot of the other patients, mainly because the food is bad and their farts smell is putrid, so he was trying to make them smell a little less putrid, but actually got them to obey his orders or enlarge their penises, i forgot which one, mr. T9000 didn’t like one or the other, so hi killed the baddies and scaped. He later got to work with mulder and scully too so there is that.
Not a bad movie, but a lot of long quiet parts that made me lose track of what the fuck was going on, and the weak plot made in a bland movie, like a lukewarm bowl of chilly, I went through all of it and yeah I finished it, but won’t ever want to do it again.
**
Asylum (2000)
Well, this other one, damn. Straight to Tv movie, this other one was annoying and impossible to follow, after a few moments my annoyance grew so high, that I started having hallucinations, so I decided to stop it, not because of the hallucinations but because it was making me to get in a bad mood and shit son, you don’t want to be around when I’m in a bad mood, I get all grumpy and whiney and my eye twitches. Regardless, this piece of pseudo suspense is poorly done and I recommend for your own sanity to avoid it, maybe even write a letter to netflix, asking them to instead of removing the bearable ones, and putting this crap that quality is only comparable to trying to shit a hangover and eat a double whooper at the same time, try to keep a decent level of quality.
(nada)
Scott Pilgrim vs. The world
BONUS STAGE!! I mean special review!
First, i don’t care about the comic/manga/graphic novel, never did and never will, now, Let it be said that I gave this movie a long long long chance to make me want to watch it, the people who did around me and their critiques we’re just plain annoying and I would not follow, and for all I care Michael Cera it’s a bird faced awkward dude that should just play Michael from Arrested development and stay there, (He might be an awesome dude to hang out with and all, but I’m still sore about that arrested development movie) he’s awkward as usual but at points it kind of fits with the movie, girl with the pink hair is cute but with a dead pan face most of the time, I suppose it’s the point, and Wallace, Wallace is hilarious. Movie is not bad and is for the most a sit down watch with friends one.
If by now you haven’t seen it, let me ruin it for you, Scott, is some modern version of the nerd kid from high school, he’s not a nerd, he’s just socially awkward, proto hipster from the times when indie rock still had balls and was loud. His life was crushed by the break-up of his relationship with some cool chick who fronts a band that looks like they play some sort of psychobilly but nothing like that, a year has gone since this happened and Scott tries to move on by dating a younger girl, 17 years of age, that he met on a bus and appears to be of asian decent, probably as a nod to anime geeks and their fetishes, Scott also plays bass and in the movie he rocks a really pretty Rickenbacker, I’m aware that Mr. Cera is proficient with the instrument so high five for that, I still think the rick has a more medium sound and I like my bass to sound dirtier and heavier, point being is that he plays, high school girl swoons. The rest of the band, friends, roommate and sister make a huge deal about this new relationship, probably just to fulfill a void in their own lives by keeping Scott miserable, so when Scott is smitten by the girl with pink hair and cheats on his girlfriend with her, everybody gets on his ass and pushes him to get his shit together and stop being an asshole, he picks the pink hair girl, just to find out that he must defeat the 7 exes before being able to actually have a relationship, probably as an allegory of how our past forms us and cannot be ignored, only accepted and assimilated, while on this process Scott turns in to the 8th one, or probably the 7th one since pink hair goes back with the last ex, but at the end, when he basically overcomes his own insecurities he is given the choice to pick who he wants to keep, and well, there are two endings you do the math. By the way I guess this probably was a spoiler, you might want to avoid reading that if you haven’t seen this.
The movie a lot of popular references, especially the legend of Zelda and video game style character description and power-ups, it’s entertaining to watch, there are some really good jokes, I still don’t think is as great as everybody who liked it claims it to be, and from the way I see it, it’s part of the whole “being a nerd/geek is in”, but it’s still rolled a 15 and an extra hit point.
*****
Awaken The Dead
Holy Shit, this was so bad, damn, this was bad, it was worse than bitch slapping your mother during thanksgiving dinner in front of your grandma while wearing a bondage suit. I hope the people involved look back and feel ashamed, so ashamed they release a public apology or something, the whole thing is filmed in the most amateurish way, not cool amateur but annoying amateur, but still I let it play for a little longer. then, there was this continuous soundtrack half early 2000’s hot topic goth and the shittiest nü-metal they could found, and nü-metal is shitty as a standard, I didn’t check or wanted to wait for the credits to roll, probably stating how the director is the main character, the writer, the producer, the sound designer and his band is on half of his movie whining about some first world problems and suburban white kid daddy issues.
I don’t know if this was supposed to be some zombie movie, demon movie, sexless-porn or high school play, I guess we can check all of the above and call it quits, this is a true 0, nothing, nada, fuck, I feel robbed by netflix for even having this. that’s how bad this was. Anything from the entire troma catalog can do infinitely better that this digitalized vomit turd.
The plot (sigh) let’s make this fast. some priest and a chick are stuck at chick’s apartment waiting for chick’s dad to show up for some reason i didn’t care to register in my brain, a huge dude football player style keeps trying to take the chick back with him and somehow the nu metal music in the background transformed two chicks dressed like anime school uniform girls turned into zombie-demons. I stopped here. I’m still amazed that somebody at some distributor thought this was at least a “let’s give it a try”, and that netflix selection department accepted this movie in their selection, probably as a freebie along with a lot of public domain and westerns that nobody watches.
I hope the creator of this turd is sterile.
(0)
Attack of the Puppet people
Another oldie, I gave it a try, what could go wrong, it’s it too boring and dull I’ll just turn off this thing and turn on the next one, would be the first time with the netflix vast catalog of putrid tasteless bottom feeder films without knowing this could be one of the most suitable background movies so far. Because of age and technical limitations, the story relies heavily on the dialogue, the pace is constant, the wording is clear, the acting exaggerated like only older movies allowed, yet it’s pretty straight forward and simple, this could easily sport the twilight zone logo, it actually reminds me of one of the first episodes, the style and mood is also very similar, this might even be a lost episode, whatever, thing being, this is one of the very best examples of a movie to put on to work while you listen.
The plot is very simple or is it? Creepy guy keeps begging this hot chick to work as his secretary, being the olde tymes and all she is quite adamant but agrees, thing being the place is kind of creepy since it’s a doll factory, yeah like that one doll that spreads the ideal of the cosmo girl and ruins lives and self esteem of millions of girls every year. Thing goes un eventful for some time, with a lot of blah blah blah and the creepy guy trying to show his “machine” to the girl, as if calling it tool was not a douche move enough, turns out he actually was being serious and he had a machine, that makes people little, around 12 inches and they get a tiny wardrobe and shit, the crazy scientist plays music for them to have some fun, as if he was playing and since the girl was not his first one, (he already had another girl and a couple of guys, not at the same time) he seems quite entertained with the whole thing…. Would they be able to find a way to their normal size and stop this mad scientist plans???? Yes.
Despite not having any puppets, and barely any attacks, this piece puts up a good hour of entertainment watched or listened.
****
