The Asylum ‘97 & The Asylum 2000’s (also; mentioned but not available The Asylum ‘72)

Ok so, somehow netflix got two movies with the same goddamn name, mixed, nothing wrong, just that I’m a lazy bastard and I feel it could be cool to do this a double feature, kill two birds with one rock you may say, but that is just plain wrong and a dick move, unless it’s a goose, those beasts are mean and probably the assholes of the winged animal society, many times I’ve been threatened by their weird goose noise and beady eye and they leave an incredible amount of shit everywhere, damn. Anyways, thing being there also had 2 other movies mixed here, so one is not available, the other has the name, the synopsis and description of the former, but IT’S NOT IT and even though apparently netflix tried to fix this twice (movie was pulled out of streaming) it’s still an epic fail, the last one it’s just a poor excuse for a visual exercise in post taco bell diarrhea.

 

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Asylum ‘72

 This is not the film the netflix streaming is telling you it is, this a different one, the name might be the same but it has Robert Patrick in it and it’s not the Asylum with Peter Cushing and some crazy body parts. If you can actually find this asylum it’s totally worth a watch.

*****


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Asylum ‘97

 From what I heard, this one had a T9000 trying to find sarah connor, this one is even better than the one in T2, since instead of just trying to get into the hospital fucking shit up left and right, he gets himself locked in and treated like a patient, added a moustache to his human disguise (a molestache, actually) and plays dumb for 2 hours, until he gets himself in a very bad position and the main doctor is tired of his shenanigans, so he straps him to a chair and tries to do something bad to him, that apparently he has been doing to a lot of the other patients, mainly because the food is bad and their farts smell is putrid, so he was trying to make them smell a little less putrid, but actually got them to obey his orders or enlarge their penises, i forgot which one, mr. T9000 didn’t like one or the other, so hi killed the baddies and scaped. He later got to work with mulder and scully too so there is that.

Not a bad movie, but a lot of long quiet parts that made me lose track of what the fuck was going on, and the weak plot made in a bland movie, like a lukewarm bowl of chilly, I went through all of it and yeah I finished it, but won’t ever want to do it again.

**


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Asylum (2000)

 

Well, this other one, damn. Straight to Tv movie, this other one was annoying and impossible to follow, after a few moments my annoyance grew so high, that I started having hallucinations, so I decided to stop it, not because of the hallucinations but because it was making me to get in a bad mood and shit son, you don’t want to be around when I’m in a bad mood, I get all grumpy and whiney and my eye twitches. Regardless, this piece of pseudo suspense is poorly done and I recommend for your own sanity to avoid it, maybe even write a letter to netflix, asking them to instead of removing the bearable ones, and putting this crap that quality is only comparable to trying to shit a hangover and eat a double whooper at the same time, try to keep a decent level of quality.

 (nada)